Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Randomize
