i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
