Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
