my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
