If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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