I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
