nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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