U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
