stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
