There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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