i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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