Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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