I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
