all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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