remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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