what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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