a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
