So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
