i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
