I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
