The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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