Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
