My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
