some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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