i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
