Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
