I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
