i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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