You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
