When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
