I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
