yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
