Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
