I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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