Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
