it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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