After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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