I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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