Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
