We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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