I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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