You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
