He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i think my cat just said my name.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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