Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
