My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
