I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
