the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
