Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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