evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
