Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
