My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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